A Bereavement Resource for Therapists and Clients

Losing someone we love can change our lives in ways we may not have anticipated. Bereavement can affect how we feel, how we think, how we relate to other people and even how we experience our own bodies. For some people, grief may feel like intense sadness. For others, it may bring anger, confusion, guilt, numbness, loneliness or a sense that life has suddenly lost its meaning. Sometimes there can even be moments of relief or enjoyment, followed by guilt for experiencing them.

There is no single way to grieve. There is also no correct timetable for grief.

At Beacon Bay Therapy, I offer individual counselling for adults experiencing bereavement and grief. My aim is not to tell you how you should grieve or to try to make your grief disappear. Instead, counselling can provide a safe and compassionate space in which you can begin to understand what your loss means to you and find ways of living with what has changed.

Grief is not something you simply "get over"

One of the most unhelpful ideas about grief is that it follows a predictable sequence and that, eventually, we should have "moved on". Grief does not usually work like this. You may have heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages have often been presented as though they describe a journey that everyone must travel through in the same order. But grief is much more individual and complex. You might have a day when you feel relatively settled, only to be unexpectedly overwhelmed by emotion the following day. A song, photograph, smell, place or familiar routine can suddenly bring the person you have lost vividly back into your awareness. This does not necessarily mean that you are going backwards.

It may simply be part of how grief works. The Bereavement Handbook I developed describes grief as a dynamic process in which we can move between periods of focusing on the loss and periods of engaging with everyday life. There may be times when we need to think about the person who has died, remember them and experience the pain of their absence. At other times, we may need to concentrate on work, family, practical responsibilities or simply finding moments of normality. Both can be part of grieving. You do not have to be thinking about your loss every moment to demonstrate that you cared. And laughing, enjoying yourself or having a good day does not mean that you have forgotten the person who died.

Grief can affect more than your emotions

When we think about grief, we often think about sadness. But bereavement can affect us physically as well as emotionally.

You may notice changes in your sleep, appetite or energy. You might experience tension, headaches, stomach problems, breathlessness, chest tightness or a feeling of being physically exhausted. Some people describe feeling foggy or disconnected. Others feel restless, anxious or unable to switch off. You are not necessarily "doing grief wrong" because your body is responding differently from how you expected. Sometimes the body reacts before we have even found the words to explain what we are feeling. Counselling can provide an opportunity to slow this process down and become more aware of what is happening emotionally and physically, without judging or trying to immediately change it.

"Who am I now?"

A significant loss can change much more than our relationship with the person who has died. It can change our sense of who we are.

Perhaps you have lost a partner and suddenly find yourself living alone. Perhaps you were a carer for someone and that role has now disappeared. You may have lost a parent and find yourself asking questions about your identity without them. Or perhaps the death has changed your role within your family.

There can also be losses that are less immediately visible:

• routines you once shared
• plans for the future
• financial security
• social connections
• family roles
• a sense of belonging
• hopes and expectations for the life you thought you would have

These are sometimes described as secondary losses. They are real losses, even though they may not always be recognised by the people around us.

This can leave us asking:

Who am I now?

There may not be an immediate answer. Counselling can offer a space to explore these questions without expecting you to have everything worked out.

When other people don't understand

Grief can sometimes feel particularly lonely because the people around us may not know what to say or how to respond.

You may hear:

• "Time heals."
• "You need to move on."
• "At least they had a good life."
• "You need to be strong."

Often these comments are intended to help. But they can leave a bereaved person feeling that their grief is inconvenient, excessive or something that should have an expiry date. You may also find that you and the people around you grieve differently.

One person might want to talk about the person who died constantly. Another might prefer to keep busy. One family member may want to spend time together, while another withdraws. None of these responses automatically means that somebody cares more or less.

People grieve differently. It can be helpful to recognise that your way of grieving does not have to look like somebody else's.

There is no "right" way to grieve

Grief can involve emotions that may seem contradictory.

You might miss someone deeply and also feel angry with them. You might feel sadness alongside relief. You might want company one day and desperately need to be alone the next. You might feel that you are coping well and then suddenly find yourself crying unexpectedly.

These experiences can sometimes lead to self-criticism:

• "Why am I still feeling like this?"
• "Shouldn't I be doing better by now?"
• "Why did I feel okay today?"
• "Why am I angry?"

But grief does not need to follow a prescribed pattern. Instead of asking whether you are grieving correctly, it can sometimes be more helpful to ask: What is my grief telling me about what has changed, what mattered and what I need now?

Learning to live with grief

Counselling for bereavement is not necessarily about making the loss smaller. It is not about forgetting the person. It does not mean that you have to stop loving or remembering them. Over time, many people find ways of incorporating their loss into their lives while continuing to develop new routines, relationships, experiences and sources of meaning. The grief may change, even if the importance of the person does not. There may be anniversaries, birthdays, holidays or other significant occasions when grief becomes particularly strong again. A familiar song, smell or place can bring back memories unexpectedly. These moments can be difficult, but they do not necessarily represent a failure or a return to the beginning. Learning to live with grief can involve discovering that sadness and enjoyment can coexist.

• You can miss someone and still laugh.
• You can remember someone and still make new memories.
• You can continue to love someone who has died while gradually finding your own way forward.

How counselling can help with bereavement

There is no prescribed agenda for bereavement counselling. Your experience is yours, and our work together would be shaped around what you need. You may want somewhere to talk openly about the person who has died. You may want to understand overwhelming emotions. You may be struggling with loneliness, identity, relationships or the practical changes that have followed the loss. Perhaps you have never had the opportunity to properly talk about what happened. Perhaps people around you have stopped asking how you are. Or perhaps you simply feel that something has changed inside you and you don't know how to make sense of it. In individual therapy, we can create space for these experiences at your own pace. There is no expectation that you have to tell me everything immediately. There is no requirement to have the "right" words. Sometimes therapy may involve talking. At other times, we might pay attention to emotions, bodily sensations, memories or experiences that are difficult to put into words. The purpose is not to fix your grief. It is to help you have somewhere safe to bring it.

Bereavement Counselling in Finchley and Online

If you would like to explore your bereavement with me, I offer individual counselling in person from private therapy rooms in Finchley, as well as online counselling for clients across the UK. My Finchley practice is located at 314 Regents Park Road, London N3 2LT, just a five-minute walk from Finchley Central Underground Station on the Northern Line, providing a quiet and confidential space where we can work together at your own pace.

Online sessions are also available if you would prefer the flexibility of talking from your own home.

The Bereavement Handbook

Alongside my individual work with bereaved clients, I have developed a Bereavement Handbook containing psychoeducational material, reflective exercises and therapeutic activities relating to different aspects of grief. The handbook was originally developed in connection with my work developing and delivering a Bereavement Group within Talking Therapies. It explores a range of areas of bereavement work, including understanding grief, the emotional experience of loss, the physical impact of grief, identity and changed roles, relationships and loneliness, and living with grief over time. I wanted the resource to be more than a collection of information. It was designed to encourage reflection. For example, the "Who Am I?" exercise explores how bereavement can affect identity and asks people to consider the roles and personal qualities that remain part of who they are. "Holding Your Emotion" encourages people to notice an emotion, explore how it feels in the body and consider what it might be communicating. "Tree of Support" provides an opportunity to reflect on the people and relationships that can offer support during bereavement. And "Broken Pieces" provides a creative way of exploring the parts of life that may feel changed or shattered following a loss, including hopes, plans and aspects of identity. These exercises reflect an important principle in my work: There is no single way to experience grief, and there is no single way to express it.

A Bereavement Resource for Therapists and Counsellors

My work with bereavement has also led me to develop the Bereavement Handbook as a resource for therapists and counsellors working with people experiencing grief and loss. The handbook brings together psychoeducation, therapeutic reflection and practical exercises across a range of themes that can arise following bereavement.

It can be used as:

• A psychoeducational resource: To help clients understand some of the emotional, physical and psychological experiences that can accompany grief.
• A source of therapeutic exercises: To introduce creative and reflective ways of exploring emotions, identity, relationships and loss.
• A structure for therapeutic conversations: To provide starting points for conversations that may otherwise feel difficult to begin.
• A resource to adapt: The exercises and themes can be considered alongside your own therapeutic approach and adapted according to the needs of the person you are working with.

Why I created the handbook

Bereavement can be one of the most difficult experiences a person brings into the therapy room. Clients may bring profound sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, changes in identity, relationship difficulties and questions about meaning into their therapeutic work.

I wanted to create a resource that recognises the complexity of grief while giving therapists something practical to work with.

The handbook is therefore not intended to provide a rigid programme or suggest that there is a particular way in which someone should grieve.

Instead, it offers ideas, information and exercises that can be used selectively and adapted to the individual client and therapeutic relationship.

Request the Bereavement Handbook

I am making the Bereavement Handbook available to therapists and counsellors who would like to use or adapt the resource within their own professional practice. If you would like to receive a copy, or would like to discuss how the handbook can be used within your own bereavement work, please get in touch with me through Beacon Bay Therapy. I would be particularly interested in hearing from therapists who are developing bereavement provision within private practice, counselling services or therapeutic groups.

Please note: The handbook is intended as a professional therapeutic resource and should be used alongside appropriate clinical judgement, professional standards, safeguarding procedures and the therapist's own assessment of each client's needs.

You don't have to navigate grief alone

1. There is no correct timetable for grief.
2. You don't have to be "over it" by a particular date.
3. You don't have to hide difficult emotions because other people are uncomfortable with them.
4. And you don't have to stop loving someone in order to begin living your life differently.

Sometimes what we need most is a place where the loss can be acknowledged without judgement and where we don't have to pretend that everything is okay.

You don't have to make your grief smaller. Sometimes you simply need somewhere safe to carry it.